Who Is Your Perfect Partner?
by Carol Anderson, LMFT
What is an Imago Match?
"Imago" is Latin for the word image. Throughout life, your Unconscious has been
creating an image of the "Perfect Partner" for you. You may not want to hear it, but that image consists of a composite of all of the positive and negative qualities of your caretakers and other significant people in your childhood, as well as all the disowned and denied qualities in yourself! It is called an Imago Match because it is your "perfect" match!
What happened to me that would create this kind of image?
Every living thing has embedded within it a "blueprint" for what it will become as an adult. As humans, not only do we have a physical blueprint, but we also have a social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual blueprint. This blueprint involves accomplishing certain developmental tasks at specific stages during childhood. Since most people have had less-than-perfect childhoods and have had plenty of contact with less-than-perfect people, most people have developed Childhood Wounds. Wounds are actually developmental tasks that were not completely finished in childhood. This was usually because of a rupture in the emotional connection betweeen you and a significant childhood caretaker. In effect, a part of you froze at that particular stage in your life. Most of us have MANY frozen parts!
Why would I fall in love with this type of person?
Nature wants you to complete childhood and heal those wounds. What better way than to have your parents do that for you? But the problem is you cannot go back in time and, chances are, your parents will not change. So to whom can you look to help you heal? Fortunately, nature has coincidentally supplied you with someone your Unconscious confuses with your parents, and someone you unconsciously know has the potential to give you what you never got as a child, and therefore help you heal and grow!
How did I know my partner had that potential?
You knew because when you first fell in love, during the Romantic Stage of your
relationship, they gave it to you! They gave you what you needed and they began the healing process. They also expressed those qualities in yourself that you had to disown or deny in order to be in your family or culture. However, once Romantic Love wore off, you began to hate those same qualities in your partner! In reaction, they became least capable of giving you what you need the most! And so did YOU!
What does this all mean?
What this means is that you will continue to find partners who are either very similar to the ones you have always found, or who appear to be the extreme opposite. This is not to say that they will have the positive quality your previous partner lacked! It means the quality that they possess will be the opposite side of the same coin or, in other words, the opposite negative quality. For example, if you married a "stingy" or "tightwad" type, your next partner may be the extreme opposite, perhaps spending too much money.
How do I know if I am with my Imago match?
Chances are, if you fell in love and then fell out of love, and have stayed together for any significant length of time, you are to some degree an Imago Match for each other. The more intense your relationship, the more of an Imago match you probably are. This person will help you stretch and grow into your full potential!
Is there anyway around this?
The only way around this is to never be in relationship! While there are a few recluses in the world, you probably won't go to that extreme. The drive to be in relationship is too strong. So until those wounds are healed and you reclaim those disowned and denied parts, you will continue to attract and be attracted to those same types of partners! That is, at least, until YOU stretch and grow into your full potential!
Ready to identify your Imago match?
OK! I am ready to find out who my Imago Match is!
Click here to go to the form that will help you identify your Imago Match. If you still doubt the above, click here anyway to prove it to yourself.
About the author:
Carol Anderson, LMFT is an Advanced Clinician in Imago Relationship
Therapy, a Level II trained EMDR therapist, and a Level II trained TFT therapist. While Carol specializes in Imago Couples' Therapy, she also works with a variety of individual and family issues, including traumatic memories and childhood abuse, irrational fears and
phobias, stress and anxiety, low self-worth, and parenting. As a Certified Imago Workshop Presenter, she is authorized to present the national Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love You Want" Workshop for Couples. You can visit her Website A Center for Growth.